Share Your Stories Here Today

If you’re having a bad day, share it – maybe you just want to get it out of your system or maybe you want someone to help you, let’s get through it together! If you’re having a good day, share that too – spread your good vibes with everyone, you never know it might just help someone in need or put a smile on their face! It could be how you’re feeling, a story, something little that happened, just anything – lets try and share!

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I’ll start! I’m just going to tell you a little story, some of you might think it’s lame but I thought it was funny. You’ll start to notice throughout this blog that I have a very weird, dry and lame sense of humour haha!

Partner’s mother: “Could you please check how long I have to oven-baked the food for? I don’t have my glasses and you do, please read what it says on the box, I’m blind! The box is in the bottom shelf of the freezer!”

Me: *searching searching searching making ruffle noises from all the frozen bags in the bottom shelf*

Partner’s mother: “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? It’s in a box”

Me: *searching, throwing frozen bags all over each other, making more noises* “It’s not on the bottom floor.”  Floor? haha ok

Partner’s mother: “ITS IN A BOX”

Me: *thinking to myself, I know what a box is but its all bags here, ignores her more, decides to search another shelf*

Partner’s mother: *yells more, probably thinking how stupid is my son’s partner”

Me: “I FOUND IT! It’s not on the bottom shelf, it’s on the 2nd last shelf!!!”

Partner’s mother: “oh sorry.”

That was it and I thought it was funny. Actually I’m still giggling a little while writing this 🙂 And just a FYI – I love her to death!!!! But I’m sure most of you understand, in-laws aye!!! hahaha.

 

Thank you Julien, I am touched by your words! Hopefully together as one we can help each other and learn from each other too.

Mirrors of Encounters

The purpose of this so-called blog is unrestrained meaningful dialogue, and as a consequence of this dialogue, longed-for Solutions may arise.

We are here to talk about things that previously we had no words for.

Hopefully we can heed one another, and through articulating what feels wrong,
we can help each other recover from the malaise of this present age.

We can learn to listen to each other in a new, reciprocally beneficial way,
backing each other, learning a new vocabulary of a new,
hitherto unknown and unallowed togetherness.

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A Help From The Universe

“No matter how you feel today, get up, dress up & show up”

I haven’t mentioned this to any of you since I created this blog, but I’ve been jobless for nearly a whole month now. I felt like I was losing myself, my sanity – another reason why I took up blogging.

I’m jobless not because it’s hard to get a job or no one would hire me, I’m jobless for reasons I cannot say. I have never been a saver, yeah I saved a few dollars here and there but not enough to last me a whole month of not working. I have responsibilities, bills and loans to pay.

So imagine having no income coming in, staying home pretty much every day all day because you’re trying to save every last penny you have! All your friends and families are working, you get the picture right?

As each day passes, you think more and worry more. How am I going to survive? When can I go back to work? What’s going to happen when I don’t pay my bills? Is there may be a way I can get around this? I don’t want to be a burden to those around me! OH NO! OH GOD! OH OH OH! Round and round a big fat circle in your head.

And then the worried feeling slowly drifts away, to a different part of your brain. It doesn’t go away, of course it doesn’t but your mind starts to function a different way. You start feeling lost, blank even from the nothingness of daily routines. You start feeling down, you get angry at those around you and slowly isolate yourself from others. All the negative energy you’ve created multiplies. You can’t think straight, you forget, your mind tricks itself. By then you just don’t want to leave the house even more, can’t be bothered with anything and anyone. Your loved ones are constantly asking you to go out, do something, or even go sit at the beach, that’s free! You just feel like they’re attacking you. Is this how depression and insanity starts? Actually I know this is how it starts! My God it’s only been a month and this is how I feel? I can’t imagine what it’d be like if I have to go on like this any longer.

I know what depression feels like, I’ve been there – a few times in my life actually. I’ve overcome every single one of those darkness days and I promise myself to never fall back into that hole again.

This might sound stupid but remember my post yesterday? I was happy, I was positive even though I was going through the above. I guess it’s true what they say – “Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances”. Yes I know I only just started being happy and positive yesterday (I mean I even failed today, I had a combination of happiness and insanity), maybe its coincidence or maybe I’m just lucky but I received good news today! I’ll be back to work on Monday!!!

I guess what I’m trying to say is if you get in a situation like mine or similar to it, please try to make good use of your time instead of putting yourself in a rut. Go to the beach, sit at a park. Get out of the house or simply do something that makes you happy. I know I didn’t leave the house but I did find a place in my backyard where I felt peaceful hence my happiness yesterday. Putting yourself in miserable situations and places everyday is not going to change the outcome, do something about it! Don’t let yourself fall into a hole; if we let it, the universe conspires in helping us fight against bad auras in our lives

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The Obstacle is The Path

Obstacles, suffering and sacrificing are all paths.
And like all paths they all have a destination!

The sun is shining!

I have the laptop in front of me, coffee and cigarettes on one side and the book ‘The Alchemist‘ and my phone on the other. I’m sitting in my backyard, there is this little palm tree I’ve never really taken much notice of with pebbles scattered all around it. To me it has always been just a tree!

The past few days I’ve been coming out here to read my books, sitting facing towards the tree. The breeze hitting my face and body, it almost feels like I’m at the beach. Every time I stare at this tree, it gives me a light hearted, calm, and peaceful feeling! Life is good!

I woke up this morning, feeling happy! I turn on the laptop to check out my blog to see comments and likes from other readers out there. I’ve only just started a few days ago but the responses I’ve gotten have been tremendous. I don’t feel alone anymore, I feel like I’m in a journey with strangers from all over the world that I’ve never met or talked to previously and I can’t help feeling I’m at ease. THANK YOU!

Life is enjoyable, but we take two three steps at a time that we end up falling. We blame ourselves for this mistake, beat ourselves up more than we should but for what? To be miserable?

Take it as it come my friends; take ONE step at a time towards your goals and dreams. If we fail, then let it be and learn from our mistakes. As human beings we are bound to fail one way or another but instead of blaming ourselves let’s try a different approach – let’s sit on it, work out where we went wrong, plan another approach towards our next step and try again!

We WILL get there, life isn’t supposed to be easy; we have to fight and fight to get what we want most. Let’s think of something you fought for and actually accomplished before in your life (it can even be something small)! Think of the obstacles you had to overcome, the suffering you had to go through, and all the things you had to give up in order to get the result you wanted. Just think for a few minutes! It can even be as small as receiving an ‘A’ on a project or subject, or fighting for someone/something you love, anything!

Do you remember the rewarding feeling you got at the end of it? Wasn’t it worth it? Would you do it again to be able to have that feeling again? I know my problem; I beat myself up for failing more that I forget about all the good stuff I’ve accomplished! It’s normal to feel this way. Bad stuff sticks to us more because we let it, we don’t give rooms in our mind and heart to treasure the good.

Believe in yourself, you are all worthy! Fight for what you want! Please feel free to share your all your life journeys and the outcome with us all. But most of all ENJOY LIFE!

‘The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.’
Paulo Coelho – The Alchemist

Tree of Life

The Evil In Me

Paulo Coelho's Quote

 

Those words are so spot on! This is the feeling I get a lot of the times towards successful people, towards happy people and people who seem to get everything in life so easy! It’s not that I’m not happy for those who are successful or who are following their dreams, it’s not that I want them to fail or be unhappy, BUT I can’t help but feel this resentment and envy!

You must think I’m evil by saying those words, if I were you I’d probably think that I actually want them to fall as well. I sound selfish!! My life isn’t bad; heck a lot of people probably think I have it better than a lot of them! Why do I always want more, why am I never satisfied? Why can’t I treasure the good things in life instead of complaining about the things I don’t have? You can think I’m a bad person, judge me for this but I’m pretty sure at least half of you or MORE have felt this way some time in your lives.

I want to be successful, who doesn’t? I want to travel the world, meet strangers and befriend them, eat and drink, enjoy different cultures, swim with dolphins; you name it, who doesn’t? I want life to flow like the river sea instead of being a floater, who doesn’t? I don’t want to be immune to pain, block out my feelings that I don’t even know how to be happy, who doesn’t? I want to be like those people who always seem happy, they don’t have a care in the world and everything in life is handed to them on a silver platter, please tell me YOU want this too!

Yes I’m jealous! Yes I always want more! Yes I try to help people to make myself feel better, for selfish reasons! Yes sometimes I try to make myself sound better than others! Yes I do hate people that are better than me! Yes I have ignored people who are better so I don’t feel so bad about myself! Yes I’m too ashamed to admit this out loud! But most of all I HATE MYSELF for even feeling this way!

Am I a bad person? I don’t even know how to answer that. Sometimes I wonder if it had something to do with my up-bringing. When I was younger my family had it all, there was never a moment where money was a problem. Then one day everything fell apart, my kingdom collapsed! We lost it ALL!

This is one example where I cannot let go of the past (probably only one of the good things I’m holding on to)! I keep hoping and wanting for my fallen kingdom to rise again. Then reality hits me, I’m earning minimal income, my credit card is increasing, loans and bills to pay, I’m falling into a deep hole and that dream of mine seems to be further and further away.

I can’t blame my personality just based on that can I? People who have less don’t even feel the way that I do. I’m embarrassed to have said what I said but I hope there’s at least one person out there that understands.

Trust me when I say I want to be happy for those who are following their dreams, I want to be happy for those who are successful, I want to stop comparing myself to others and just be happy with what I have, and most of all I want to be able to enjoy life even if I have to take the longest way to get there.

I understand everyone has their own problems. I do not have the right to judge others by what they have but simply just for the person that they are. I’m trying to overcome this problem of mine, my selfishness and the evil in me!

Wandering Memories

He and She are arguing aggressively with each other.

I do not know how the fight started, nor do I understand what the fight is about.

All I hear and see is them screaming at each other.

I stand here closely to this sweet innocent boy next to me, my brother. If I don’t understand them then there’s no way he could as well. But I can see fear in his eyes, pain.

He screams louder.

She fights back.

This seems to go on for what seems like an eternity.

The next minute He pushes her. Maybe it was internal instinct or maybe God was on her side that day, she latches on to the railing of those snakey look-alike stairs. My brother and I both gasped. We’re scared, what are we supposed to do?

Everything blacks out.

That’s all I remember what happened that day. And from memory nothing major ended up happening, no one was badly hurt or injured. This fight between them seems to visit me once in a while, yet I still do not know why. They have had other fights which are worse than this, it’s funny how a brain works sometimes. Why does it choose to remember only certain things and not others?

Why do I remember most of the bad things in life and not the good things? My partner always says to me that I would continue to dwell on the things he has done wrong (which is hardly ever), yet I never remember or say anything about all the wonderful nice things he has done for me. I want to remember and re-live the good memories but something is stopping me. He often says to me that I never let myself to be happy, that somehow I feel I don’t deserve to be happy.

I just read Aleph by Paulo Coelho, I won’t go into details what the book is about. But at the moment I feel liberated somehow, maybe because Paulo and the girl he speaks of in the book found what they were searching for. It motivates me more to become a better person and because I’m on a journey to find peace I will try my best to apply his words into my daily life.

Some Memories Never Fade

“We become imprisoned by our memories, and that makes our lives wretched.”
Paulo Coelho, Aleph

The Aftermath

Psychologist: So how do you feel now?

Me: I don’t think I feel anything any more, I think I’ve blocked it out and now I’m just so used to it that I don’t feel anything any more

Psychologist: How did it make you feel after it happened?

Me: I’m not quite sure, I don’t really remember since it was a while ago. But I think I started thinking that it was my fault, I wasn’t persistent enough when I kept telling him NO! And I think I started making myself believe that it was ok, we were seeing each other and I guess that made it OK

Psychologist: So were you angry?

Me: I don’t think I was angry, it happened and I didn’t know how to feel

Psychologist: Did you report it?

Me: No, I didn’t think much of it at the time. But a close friend of mine back then and I had this diary, we were allowed to write whatever we want and the other one can read it. When she read my story she told me that’s not normal, and it’s _ _ _ _, I should tell someone about it. But I just let it go, and I thought I’ve gotten over it and I think I have because it doesn’t make me feel anything now but I do think it still somehow affects me in a way or I wouldn’t be talking about it now or I wouldn’t compare myself now to other people thinking everyone is better than me because of the things that have happened to me in the past

Psychologist: Do you want to talk about it in detail? Do you think you can?

Me: ……

I’m not saying that I was the best teenage daughter to have, but I’m not saying that I was the worst either. I did rebel against my parents, did pretty much whatever I wanted and hung out with whoever I wanted to. So was it my mistake that I ended up with the wrong guy at the time? Was it my mistake that he forced himself onto me? Is that why I have problems trusting men? Am I really over the situation? Why am I always so angry at myself? Do I want people to feel sorry for me to get this feeling out of my system? Should I reported it? Do I somehow want justice for what has happened? Am I ashamed? Embarrassed? Was it rape? Questions, questions, questions! Am I too afraid to answer my own questions? What is it that I want???

Why should I feel the guilt for something that it wasn’t my fault? Or was it? I admit I liked the guy then. He was sweet, nice, caring and good looking – was I too blind to see it? But how was I supposed to know he was different behind his skin?

It’s been almost 10 years since it happened and I’m still talking about it. Most days I don’t even think about it but then some days it runs around in my head and plays with my emotions like there’s no tomorrow.

I’m sharing this today with all of you so maybe I can finally let it go, maybe speaking out loud will help. Maybe there are people out there who would like to share their stories too and maybe you can somehow tell me it will all be OK and one day this will all be nothing but a memory that will no longer affect me…

‘I forgive the tears I was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayals and the lies,
I forgive the slanders and intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the still-born hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils.’ Paulo Coelho – Aleph

I forgive what he has done to me and what he has put me through since then.
I forgive myself!

Forgiveness