Psychologist: So how do you feel now?
Me: I don’t think I feel anything any more, I think I’ve blocked it out and now I’m just so used to it that I don’t feel anything any more
Psychologist: How did it make you feel after it happened?
Me: I’m not quite sure, I don’t really remember since it was a while ago. But I think I started thinking that it was my fault, I wasn’t persistent enough when I kept telling him NO! And I think I started making myself believe that it was ok, we were seeing each other and I guess that made it OK
Psychologist: So were you angry?
Me: I don’t think I was angry, it happened and I didn’t know how to feel
Psychologist: Did you report it?
Me: No, I didn’t think much of it at the time. But a close friend of mine back then and I had this diary, we were allowed to write whatever we want and the other one can read it. When she read my story she told me that’s not normal, and it’s _ _ _ _, I should tell someone about it. But I just let it go, and I thought I’ve gotten over it and I think I have because it doesn’t make me feel anything now but I do think it still somehow affects me in a way or I wouldn’t be talking about it now or I wouldn’t compare myself now to other people thinking everyone is better than me because of the things that have happened to me in the past
Psychologist: Do you want to talk about it in detail? Do you think you can?
I’m not saying that I was the best teenage daughter to have, but I’m not saying that I was the worst either. I did rebel against my parents, did pretty much whatever I wanted and hung out with whoever I wanted to. So was it my mistake that I ended up with the wrong guy at the time? Was it my mistake that he forced himself onto me? Is that why I have problems trusting men? Am I really over the situation? Why am I always so angry at myself? Do I want people to feel sorry for me to get this feeling out of my system? Should I reported it? Do I somehow want justice for what has happened? Am I ashamed? Embarrassed? Was it rape? Questions, questions, questions! Am I too afraid to answer my own questions? What is it that I want???
Why should I feel the guilt for something that it wasn’t my fault? Or was it? I admit I liked the guy then. He was sweet, nice, caring and good looking – was I too blind to see it? But how was I supposed to know he was different behind his skin?
It’s been almost 10 years since it happened and I’m still talking about it. Most days I don’t even think about it but then some days it runs around in my head and plays with my emotions like there’s no tomorrow.
I’m sharing this today with all of you so maybe I can finally let it go, maybe speaking out loud will help. Maybe there are people out there who would like to share their stories too and maybe you can somehow tell me it will all be OK and one day this will all be nothing but a memory that will no longer affect me…
‘I forgive the tears I was made to shed,
I forgive the pain and the disappointments,
I forgive the betrayals and the lies,
I forgive the slanders and intrigues,
I forgive the hatred and the persecution,
I forgive the blows that hurt me,
I forgive the wrecked dreams,
I forgive the still-born hopes,
I forgive the hostility and jealousy,
I forgive the indifference and ill will,
I forgive the injustice carried out in the name of justice,
I forgive the anger and the cruelty,
I forgive the neglect and the contempt,
I forgive the world and all its evils.’ Paulo Coelho – Aleph
I forgive what he has done to me and what he has put me through since then.
I forgive myself!